Sometimes you’re the windshield….

Something I’ve learned over the years is to not go posting my emotions, thoughts or feelings online. I’ve also learned that you can’t tell anyone those same thoughts feelings or emotions because they’ll just scold you like you’re a toddler.

Today, however, I say screw it. Screw anyone who pitches a fit, and calls me out. I’m 26 and I have far too many things pent up. So if you think you may be offended by this post, I’d suggest you just go back to reddit, google, or whatever you were doing before. This is going to be a no apology zone, so if you get offended then you probably shouldn’t have continued on, and thats on you this time.

There is a song, and the chorus has this line, “Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.” It was said a LOT in my life, so I just assumed everyone had heard it, I was proven wrong about two years ago when I used it as the title to my blog and everyone texted me asking what the heck it meant. So before I continue, here’s the video. This phrase couldn’t be more accurate in life. For the past… 3 or 3 1/2 weeks I’ve been the bug. Nothing seems to be going right, and I feel like everything is falling apart.

It’s really REALLY started to hit me these past few weeks. I have nothing to show for the past 26 years. I’m still living like a poor college student, and watching all my friends grow up, get engaged, married, have kids and even buy houses. I’m constantly hearing how everyone is doing so well, getting new, real jobs… and not just having their first kid… but their second and third. Here I sit, second hand everything. One of our couches is so secondhand, if you lose something in-between the cushions, you leave it there because the couch is from 1985 and survived three kids through their teen/early adult years and two adults before it was ours.

A kid I grew up with (seriously, his mom was there when I was born) just bought a HOUSE. A freaking house. I can’t even afford apartment life, how the heck does he afford to buy a HOUSE.

Another kid, that I went to Middle school with, just bought a house not far from where we went to middle school together. HOW?!

People are always saying “if you aren’t happy then change something so you are happy.” What AWFUL advice. If I were to change something, EVERYTHING else would fall down the drain. You can’t just up and change your life.

I’m constantly feeling like everyone is watching me closely to make sure I don’t screw up, because heaven knows if I did, I’d never hear the end of it, because I’d only have one place to go, and I couldn’t ever do that, because my mom doesn’t need another person to support.

How has everyone else survived this point? How come I can’t seem to catch a break, and why is it that some people just get everything handed to them? I’ve worked so hard, I work 12 hour shifts, I’ve picked up evening and weekend jobs to help fill in and yet somehow more than once I’ve come home to no food, the phone shut off, or one of many other bills with an issue. Why is it that no matter what I do everything sucks and no one seems to be proud or happy with how far I’ve lasted on my own.

Instead I lose friends because I’m not “an adult” or I don’t work a typical 9-5. Don’t even get me started on the people who say I should have gone to college.

I go and visit family and don’t even feel like I fit in, and I certainly cannot speak my mind. If I were open and honest I’d get yelled at or ignored. My thoughts and opinions are always wrong, and I need to mind my own business. I’m not going to sit here and say “you suck I hate you” and the things I think and feel are only because I care, but it’s bit me in the ass and wound up not even worth it. So I sit quietly, and remain the same quiet bottled up person I was when I was a child. I didn’t speak my mind, thoughts or feelings because I watched everyone always cry, yell or get hurt.

As I get older, I always try and express my feelings only to have them squashed and belittled. Not only does that happen, but even when I try and take time to stay away from anyone that I try and speak out to, it goes un-noticed. If I haven’t spoken to you in a while, there’s a reason and obviously you’ve done a damn good job making me feel like I can’t express myself.

I was raised a Christian. I went to church every sunday with my mom, and then with my mom and stepdad. I went to a private school, and then church AND youth group every sunday once we moved up here. Don’t think just because other people in my family have changed and may not have the same opinions they once did means that My beliefs and feelings have changed. I assure you they have not. I pray for you, I pray for them, I pray for people I don’t know, and I pray often. I read my bible, I teach the kids I nanny important lessons from the bible and we sing church songs together. Despite what anyone might think, I am offended when people put down christians and I wouldn’t ever dare put down anyone else’s beliefs.

I’m in a rut right now, and it’s been….7 years in the making. I don’t think it’s ending anytime soon, but I just wish I could catch a break.

I, like anyone else have opinions about others, but I am far from racist. Do I think most Asians drive terribly? YES. Does that mean I hate or dislike asians? HECK no! I am deeply offended when people flip out and tell me I’m racist. Do I think Middle Eastern Indians tend to be the people who will most likely spend their time at the cash register explaining why that item should be 50% off, Yes. Why? Only because I worked retail and that is what tended to happen, I ALSO know that they really do know how to handle money, and I do NOT think that just because you’re muslim means you’re out to kill me or attack my country. How many black people have I met in my life? Well under 100, but that doesn’t make me racist. In that handful of people, they have been the most racist people i’ve ever met. Putting me down because I’m a skinny blonde white girl that lives in the suburbs does NOT make me the one with the issue, it makes you. Calling me a cracker? I don’t call you names, so don’t call me names. I don’t know what it is, that makes people ASSUME I’m going to judge you. I’ve had many different friends in all different shapes and sizes. The only thing I notice, is your personality. Are you nice? Honest? Caring? Those are the things I notice.

Don’t judge me, I’ve been through a lot more than you may think. I lost a best friend to cancer, my family lives hours away, I’ve gone from rock bottom, to middle back to rock bottom. I’ve lived with people, I’ve lived in a dump, I’ve lived in a high rise apartment building. I’ve had no furniture, I’ve had no food, I’ve lost family members I loved and cared for to death, and I’ve lost others to distance. I’ve worked my dream job, and I’ve also bussed tables and mopped floors in a chinese restaurant. Just because I have a smile on my face, and I seem chipper doesn’t mean I am. the vast majority of the past several years, something is ALWAYS in the back of my mind eating away at me. “How am I going to afford rent? How will I pay ____ bill? How Will I get to work? How will I get food?” I’ve been there for it all. I was there when my mom was at rock bottom, we didn’t even unpack our home right after we moved, I’ve seen and witnessed more things than you think. I’m tougher than I look.

This post was for myself more than anything. I really do feel like I can’t be me around most of the people in my life, and It has to come out somewhere, so I don’t end up back at the DR’s office because my immune system crashed again, and because I can’t face the outside world. Never again.

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