“I wish that I could believe that theres a day you’ll come back to me…. Just want you to know. “


I really hope the title to this post struck as familiar to you dear reader, because uh hello, late 90’s = some fond memories for me. Okay okay, I admit, the lyrics probably did NOT hit familiar with a lot of you, and it’s actually from the 2000’s but come on, when you think the Backstreet Boys you probably think the 90’s version of them. 

I have really tried to do my best and not make this blog too personal, not for any reason other than I’ve really been working on NOT airing everything to the public, and just dealing with issues personally. 

However, every few posts here and there make it through, because I am only human and I do need an outlet here and there… plus it is my blog haha. 

Ideally I’d post daily like my friend is doing but something always comes up… so I’ve stopped trying and will just post here and there when I can… 

——————————-

If you’ve read my blog at all you’ll know my dad wasn’t ever really a part of my life. Today I found a couple of my family members on his side online, and I felt a little bad.

My mom’s side of my family I have 5 nieces and nephews (3 boys 2 girls…), that I am so incredibly close with, and I would do ANYTHING for. All 5 of them are such a huge part of my life, I don’t know how I went 11 years without them. 

I felt bad, because I have 5 nieces and nephews (2 boys 3 girls…) on my dad’s side that, well I don’t know at all. I felt bad because I always talk about how sad it makes me when aunts and uncles aren’t as close to their nieces and nephews as I am to mine… but reality is, I’m only close to half of them.

The youngest on my dad’s side, Jaden, I’ve only met once, if at all. The older kids though, I knew when I was younger, though I doubt if they’d remember me much, if at all. 

I had to remind myself today that they’re not in my life because of decisions my father made. He’s the one that handled everything so poorly. 

The last exchange of words I had with his side, everyone was telling me I was a terrible daughter, which even now I laugh at. They have NO idea what life was like for me when he was in it. 

I can actually say that my Neighbor knows more about me than my father, heck the neighbor at WORK knows more about me than he ever cared to know. 

Sometimes, and only once in a blue moon, maybe once a decade at most… I fill with anger and frustration. 

“Why didn’t he care to know me?”
“Why did he have to be such an ass?”
“What is so special about my brothers that he was there for them for everything but only there for me when he wanted to brag to his buddies about how he had a daughter?”

those questions never last long in my mind though because the reality of it is, I am, and was, far better off without his toxic personality. He use to make up stories and lies, about how he was always in my life. He’d tell me I was lying when I’d correct him. He’d tell me I was ungrateful and say mean things about my mom. The very last time I saw him he completely ignored my boyfriend, (EverSoLightly) and said some pretty nasty things to both me and my mother. I tried to keep in touch but he just told everyone I was lying and never tried.. So eventually I decided to cut my losses. 

Am I missing out on anything? Not now… there as a time when maybe it MIGHT have been beneficial to have him in my life but that time came and went back in 1987. 

The only thing I think I may have missed out on was knowing some of the family on that side, yet none of them have reached out to me. I got distracted typing this post up and ended up spending the last hour talking to my cousin… so Now I don’t even remember where my thought was going. So I’ll just quit before I ramble too much 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s